Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
