i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
