it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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