we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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