apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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