Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
