I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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