Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
