$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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