Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
