life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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