and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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