Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
You can't motorboat a personality
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize
