everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
