he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
