His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
This toilet bowl is my home.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
