I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize