You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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