I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
