Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Randomize