My room smells like vodka and shame
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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