apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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