i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
