I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
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