so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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