i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
