He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
