I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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