remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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