I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
