My sheets look like a crime scene.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
