So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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