I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
