I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
