either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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