Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
