Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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