I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
