at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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