Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
