I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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