I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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