Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
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