i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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