I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
