worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
