Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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