6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
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