she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
