I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
