when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
