Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize