i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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