Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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