4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize