I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
