so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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