my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
