I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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